Upon entering the locker room of my gym recently I was greeted by the bare rear end and miniscule privates of a friend from work. Instead of an uneventful trip to the bathroom before continuing my quest for a 300 pound bench press, I was mentally ambushed by the coworker and his lily-white munchkin. He was just standing there right by the entrance to the room, having obviously just completed his exercises. I averted my gaze as quickly as possible and re-trained it on the man's grinning face. He addressed me just as if I had walked into his office at work: "Hi, Brad." I returned the pleasantry and made my way to the urinal. He continued to speak to me as he strolled across the locker room to the sauna, the fat of his glowing white buttocks quivering with every step. He was a middle-aged gentleman- maybe fifty or so- slightly younger than my father. I took a little extra time to finish my business to make sure that the man was concealed in the sauna before exiting. No sooner had the sauna door shut and I started back toward the gym, when I was again assailed - this time by a senior citizen clothed only with a hand towel draped over his shoulder.

Gentlemen, enough is enough. It seems almost every time I go to the gym I have an unfortunate encounter with some naked, penguin-dicked portly pervert over the age of fifty. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it would be OK for young guys to parade around in the buff, although it might be a little less disgusting. The fact is, younger guys just don't do this. I am sure at some point in the past it was cool to strut your stuff in the locker room as a sort manly display. But older guys: it's just not so anymore. So stop it. You are embarrassing yourselves and your loved ones and you make the rest of us really uncomfortable. You're bringing America down. No one wants to see your diminutive prune of a penis. As a matter of fact, I think there may even be a Biblical prohibition against such behavior. This kind of behavior is simply unacceptable.

For that matter, if our society is ever to emerge from its present sloth and once again attain greatness, quite a few things must change- starting with a prohibition on public nudity by old men. The problem is that change is hard to achieve without a system of punishments and/or rewards. Since I am firmly convinced that no one should be rewarded for simply conducting himself or herself in a reasonable manner, I propose that we implement a system of negative reinforcement in order to root out the offending behavior.

There are no less than 14 behaviors that must be changed if America is to have any hope at all. Below I list the behaviors most destructive to modern America and suggest punishments for curbing them. Fellow American, please join with me in implementing this system of Negative Reinforcement for a Better Tomorrow.

1. The aforementioned offence of locker room nudity must be stopped. Proposed punishment: You wanna show your lil' chef so badly? You must be forced to walk through town naked while onlookers get their fill of your cold lifeless tallywacker, your flaccid arms, and bulbous gut. The citizens of your town will pelt you with garbage and rotten fruit and vegetables, while they hurl insults at you - truthful, hurtful insults about your sad little wang and your sagging rear. It this doesn't show you the err of your ways, then we'll have to bring out the electrodes, my friend.

2. Moms with tattoos and piercings must be stopped. Why are there so many moms with piercings and tattoos? There's nothing worse than a belly button ring in a fat stomach or a stretched tattoo. What the heck is wrong with you? Give it up. Prom's over. You had your chance. Not getting enough attention? I have just the thing. How's about we put you in a hog trough in the middle of town and slop you for a few days. If no hog trough is available in your community then you should be bound in the stocks while being pelted with garbage and rotten vegetables. And yams.

3. Body art. Anyone using the term "body art" should be electrocuted.

4. Guys with stupid hog looking nose piercings must be vanquished. The punishment for this offensive behavior should be a free smack in the nose by any person that so desires.

5. Guys with mullets and cheesy mustaches. This continues to be a national crisis. The punishment: public shearing of the offending hair and having your ass whooped up one side and down the other. You must then be chained to a stump in your trailer park and worked over by an angry fighting cock or pit bull (see below).

6. Older men that wear earrings to be cool (take notice, Ed Bradley) are really hurting the dignity and morale of America. It is bad enough that young guys wear earrings (unless they are pirates, then it is OK), but if you are over 30 and have an earring, you seriously need to do a self-evaluation. Read this Tony Hawke. You want a piercing so badly? Here's your punishment: You will be forced to wear a mullet and cheesy mustache for a minimum of three years.

7. White guys trying to be black. Again this goes with age. I was guilty of this once, but gave it up by the age of 17. Please stop. You're not black. Nobody thinks it's cool. You'll never be black so pull your pants up, turn your cap around, and take off that ridiculous looking retro baseball shirt. You wanna be black? Ok, we'll tar you colonial style and force you to rap for our amusement at Def Comedy Jam. Repeat offenders will be forced to attend Freak-nic.

8. Yuppies riding Harleys. This must be stopped. Ride all you want folks- you'll never find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow or make up for the fact that you just weren't cool in high school. You suck. Admit it to yourself and stop riding around in ridiculous looking black leather with gloves and boots...and a bandana? A bandana and goggles? Give me a break. You should be forced to fight a real biker if you want to ride. You should have the hell kicked out of you by about 3 or 4 Hell's Angels- old school style.

9. Scooters for the non-crippled. People below the age of 65 should not ride around on scooters. Never. Have some self respect, you slob. Have you just totally given up? Are you really so lazy that you are refusing to walk? Is this your idea of paradise? Riding around on a 1 horse power scooter at 2.6 miles an hour? In case you don't know what I mean, below is a picture of two lazy gluttons riding around a strip mall in CLUTE, TX (see upcoming article). Yeah. That's right. I stalked them. They rode around like this for like 2 hours- too lazy to walk. They weren't that old, either- maybe 57 or 60. They probably have little toilets in the bottoms so their lazy asses don't even have to go to the bathroom. What kind of example does this set for the youth of today? Complain about no respect? How can you expect anyone to respect you when you're too lazy to carry out one of the most basic things that this species has worked towards since "coming down from the trees in sub-Saharan Africa". You've CHOSEN to devolve. Too lazy to walk, huh? How about this for a punishment: We put their feet in a vice and twist till they burst like melons. That way at least they would have an excuse not to walk. Don't like it? Too tough on your gramma? Well, Yankee, it's called tough love. And if America has any hope, we better learn how to do it.

10. Jazz music. Jazz music is the biggest cultural fraud in American history. See, nobody really likes jazz. It's just an attempt by the pretentious to be hip and cultured at the same time. Stop pretending to like it, you pompous, name dropping, port drinking, slick-headed jackoff. The punishment for this: That guy in each jazz band that plays that trumpet with the little bowl thingy that makes the shrill, annoying, caterwauling sound should have his thumbs cut off. I'd like to see him try to play his little bowl then- or even eat a bowl of soup for that matter. Pretty hard to do with no thumbs isn't it, mister?

11. People that own snakes and other reptiles. Get a dog. No one thinks you're cool or eccentric for owning a snake. We just think you're a weirdo. Besides, snakes are evil human-haters. They should be killed, not kept as pets. Anyone owning a reptile should be punished, but by varying degrees depending on the animal. Punishment for a snake: put in a snake bag with an anaconda for 48 hours. For a Gecko: forced to listen to "It's not easy being Green" for 48 hours. For a Newt: detention at the local Junior High.

12. Pit Bulls and their owners. Ownership of these brutal creatures must be prohibited. In fact, the whole breed should be de-clawed and de-fanged before being made into glue. Their owners should be made into soilent green and fed to the starving in Africa. This in itself would probably cut the meth and crack problem in half.

13. Parents that plaster the accolades of their children all over their cars. This started innocently enough in the 1970s when the me generation first started having kids. They figured the best thing they could ever do was make their kids feel good about themselves: "My kid is an honor student at such and such elementary." These days every parent seems to think that if they don't have miniature soccer balls with the kid's number and name adhered to the rear window of the Suburban, then their kid will have low self-esteem. Here's a novel idea: give your kid a sense of decency and balance. Don't put his number on your minivan. Resist the temptation to paint your vehicle with shoe polish every time your kid's team goes to a soccer tournament. It's no big deal that Caitlyn's an honor student. No one cares if Tyler's team is "state bound." Get a life. Instead of giving kiddo an inflated sense of self worth how about doing a reality check. Never mind, you probably don't have a good grasp of reality yourself, so here it is: your kid sucks at soccer. He's average. Everyone's an honor student. Your daughter has a much greater chance of getting knocked up by age sixteen than she does of making the Olympic soccer team. There are thousands of kids that are better than your little Conner at baseball and football- and guess what? They don't even play in organized sports leagues or have parents that have an Explorer to write all over. Take little Conner into the hood and pick any sport (except soccer which is only a pseudo sport and a way for white folks, Asians, and diminutive South Americans to have a "sport" to be competitive with American black people in) and see how he does. For you this will be punishment enough. Just soak it in for a whole hour while your offspring gets it handed to him by a little brother who has learned the hard way by playing with older kids and being abused by neighborhood riff-raff. Do lil Conner a favor (or lil Kimerlyn) and stop parading around Pleasantville with their names plastered all over your vehicle.

14. ADD. Attention Deficit Disorder. I've had about enough of this farce. ADD is just an excuse for parents with below average kids to help themselves cope with the kid's (and more-so their own) failure. If Johnny can't read, then work with him at home. Spend time with him. Teach him. If he won't behave, kick his ass. Seriously, care enough to at least take the Nintendo away (probably half of what's wrong with him in the first place) and spend time doing flash cards or multiplication tables. Don't put the kid on drugs because you're too lazy or "compassionate" to help him deal with reality. For this there is no extra punishment. You're in for a lifetime of it if you start your kid out on drugs just to deal with reality.