A little-know reality in Mayberry was that Andy was given to awful fits of rage and indignation, often brought on by the pitiful antics of the cretins that resided in that North Carolina Hamlet. His well documented beatings of his side kick and former cousin Barney Fife, we characterized as "particularly ruthless and inhumane" and resulted in irreversible brain damage to the deputy. Contrary to popular belief, Barny never left Mayberry, but was nailed to a wall in Ms. Mendlebright's house where he languished for twenty years before finally giving up the ghost. Often "unspeakable" sounds were heard emanating from the room when Andy came to visit. One resident put it simply: "Andy used him as a punching bag."

Bored with the lack of "real crime" in Mayberry after 1965, Andy often beat the "living hell" out of residents just to "keep his skills sharp." This 1967 fit of violence was caught on camera.

For all its Deep South charm and family values, Mayberry's ennui proved too much for his only offspring as well- that is until the Sears catalogue was updated to include women's underwear.

Her hope for true love shattered, her pickle recipe a disgrace to the family, her suffering at the brutal hands of Andy, and her realization that Opey was a common pervert - Aunt Bee found solace in the arms of the only friend she had left, Mr. Oxycontin.

The question is often asked: "Why were there no blacks in Mayberry?" In fact, Mr. Carter once tried to visit the township, but was encouraged not to return.