North Pole (OT) - In what pundits are already calling a watershed moment in church history, leaders of the Episcopal and Methodist churches have joined forces to garner support for a recall election of God. Citing God's intolerance of gay marriage, Buddha, herbal enlightenment, Democrats, prostitution, and homosexuals in general, the two prominent denominations are meeting at an undisclosed location to discuss their plan. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source at the epicenter of the power struggle says that Santa is being courted to replace the Ancient of Days. "Claus likes everyone and he gives without expecting much in return - just some milk and a few cookies. Have you ever really known anyone to get ashes and switches or coal? Besides, Santa has over a 90% approval rating in the US, where kids get most of what they want." Still, many in the denomination are not impressed with Santa, particularly those in Africa and parts of South America. Calvin Zabutuu, the guy that writes all those emails proposing to split his tremendous windfall with greedy and stupid American opportunists and resident of Zimbabwe, was representative of this sentiment. "I've lived in Africa all my life and what has Santa done for us? I mean, sure the children in the US get GI Joe, Barbie, and al kinds of toys, while our children are getting canned yams. Canned yams for Christ's sake- and not even the sweet kind. The kind that is fresh from the ground. One child in my village even received a can of clams and muscles. Is this a joke, Santa? I am not in support of this Santa Claus at all. In fact, I think he is a white supremacist. Think of the name- 'Claus'. There is a good chance he's a Nazi."

Not to be outdone, Southern Baptists and other right wing Christian groups are said to be positioning former Alabama Supreme court justice Roy Moore as their candidate. Lathan Johnston, former KKK Grand Wizard turned director of the Southern Baptist convention, spoke on behalf of the Baptists. "Our problem with God is that he is just too tolerant of the Jews, Catholics, people with AIDS, and bad blacks. That's not to say all blacks are bad. Some of them are good upstandin people. We're just talkin about the majority on welfare and crack and such. We think God should have done away with them a long time ago and we're lookin to make a change. But nothing's official yet." Moore could not be reached for comment but is said to be considering sweeping changes in the way religion is practiced in the United States should he be elected. Among other things, Moore is said to be considering placing copies of the Ten Commandments beside all fast food drive- through menus throughout the US. A source close to Moore says the measure is meant to "attack pop culture at its very root - the fast food restaurant" and to instill values that were once passed down at the "dinner table" by drunken and depressed farmers, mill workers, and the like.

The world's largest denomination, the Roman Catholics, have no qualms with God. "As long as we can keep the Pope and change the rules as we see fit, then God is fine with us," said one Boston parishioner. "With all the people we've killed over the millennia, God has been pretty good to us. I know I'll vote to keep God in as long as he'll continue to forgive me through Holy Communion for getting sloppy drunk at the hockey game and beating the hell out of my wife and kids when I have a bad day at work or lose a bet."

God, speaking through an interpreter, was unfazed by all the fuss. "I am God. I mean really, what can they do?"