Midvale, MI (AP)- In a press conference today, the President of Mega-Chem Corp., Will Slashinburn, unveiled a bold new program to boost the profitability of the ailing chemical conglomerate. "Effective immediately, all MCC employees will be expected to participate in a three-pronged Six Sigma initiative designed to maximize janitorial synergies and diversify our product offering while strengthening our commitment to sustainable development, diversity, and employee flexibility. This effort will give our janitorial staff the opportunity to pursue more diverse career paths outside the confines of MCC. Furthermore, it will strengthen our commitment to the environment by decreasing company consumption of aqueous natural resources and providing opportunities for us to participate in biologically diverse chemical solutions. It will also be a program that every MCC employee will be able to participate in regardless of background or global location, thereby strengthening our commitment to a diverse workplace." Starvalofus then turned the press conference over to Kevin Flounder, the Six Sigma Black Belt directing the project. Flounder explained a series of graphs and charts detailing the benefits of the project to the company. "This project will decrease costs by at least 35 million dollars in the first year alone. This number is based on $20 million in janitorial synergies and decreased water usage. Another estimated 2.5 million in new revenue [will come] from our biologically diverse Chemically Remediated Anal Products, or CRAP, product line as well as 2 million from the Personally Emitted Urine, or PEU, biochemical product line. Our employees will have the opportunity to participate in the program in either one of two methods. The first method will allow the employee the added flexibility and time management option of not having to leave the office or cubicle for any voluntary excremental activities. This method is projected to increase the sales of our Superabsorbent Polymers by about 10 million dollars a year. Method two involves the use of Styrofoam containment devices for capture of any recyclable human wastes. It is projected to result in an additional 1.2 million in additional sales for our Styrofoam business. Whichever method our employees choose, they will have the added flexibility of obtaining their personal excrement facilitation devices directly from their paychecks in pre-tax dollars. Next year there will be a projected additional synergistic opportunity for saving 10 billion dollars from those employees that voluntarily choose option two."

Martin Muller, a Harvard University linguist specializing in corporate euphemisms gave the follow translation: "MCC is going to save over thirty five million dollars this year by firing their janitors and closing all bathrooms. In lieu of using the toilet, they are going to force their employees to defecate and urinate in either Depends undergarments or Styrofaom cups. The employees must pay for their chosen human waste receptacles directly from their paychecks. The feces will be collected by the company and sold for profit, probably as fertilizer or as a commodity feedstock. The employees that refuse to sit around all day in a diaper filled with their personal excrement will be fired at the end of the year."

Word of the announcement sparked a rally on Wall Street and sent shares of MMC skyrocketing over $8 per share. All major investment houses changed their recommendation for the chemical giant from hold to strong buy.

Not everyone shared in the elation, however. A twenty-year MCC employee, speaking under condition of anonymity voiced his concern: "They're makin us poop our britches. I haven’t done that since the third grade. Where's it gonna end? Why can't we make money just like we used to? If it gets any worse I'll probably have to start looking for another job." He looked into the distance with tears in his eyes.

Still, most MCC employees appeared steadfast. Molly Lindsey, a bright-eyed twenty-something that has been with the company two years was optimistic. "I'm willing to do whatever to help the company succeed. I look at it as an opportunity to do my part in hard times. I figure somebody at the top has to know better than me how to get out of the current financial crisis."