Suckiest Place on Earth #3: Southeastern Louisiana University Outdoor Learning Center
The third sucky place in our series goes along with this issue's theme of higher education in America. The land of the free and the home of the brave may be falling down in many areas, but, as this piece will clearly illustrate, our innovative means of education will keep us ahead of the Indias and Chinas of the world for generations to come.
Just imagine yourself driving along this charming little stretch of road in Hammond, Louisiana when, to your surprise, this sign beckons you to take a detour to Southeastern Louisiana University's Outdoor Learning Center. You try to resist, but the allure of nature and ease of access to this potential Garden of Eden draw you in like a tractor beam. Let's pretend that it's a slightly overcast autumn day and you pull over to the side of the road to take a tour- just like the lucky students of this fine university get to do every semester in their Advanced Nature Observation class or maybe Herpetology 451- you can even pretend it's leaf identification and phylum management class. The choice REALLY IS up to you in many of our finer universities these days.
As you leave your car and walk onto the inviting trail, the place is just like you imagined- pristine and untouched by the vile hands of man, teaming with lush vegetation. Never mind the rotting planks of wood and a painted trash can. The wood was probably placed here by some benevolent prehistoric nomad or kindly Native American long before the first settlers. You just thank God that they have the hefty yellow gates to keep would-be vandals and haters of the environment out- and more importantly- nature in.
Down the trail a few feet and just over a ridge, your breath is taken away by the sight you behold. Glory to God, it's a large pond- obviously man-made, but astounding nonetheless. Could this be one of the forgotten wonders of the ancient world? Probably built by the same Native American or benevolent nomad that left those planks of wood you think....And here we go and mar the splendor of this sacred place by building apartments right next to it. When will the white man learn?
You make your way around to one of the many convenient observation decks that ergonomically accent this little treasure and allow the video-game-playing, TV-watching, McDonald's eating youth of today the opportunity to see what it is really like "outdoors". You look into the water and see your green reflection as you shed a pensive tear.
You see why that noble Native American cried in that commercial back in the 70's when his land was littered upon. These encroaching apartments should be bulldozed, you think. This nature was here long before man took to living in tawdry apartments, houses, and trailers. You imagine the same view as the original inhabitants of the land must have seen it- nothing but pure nature as far as the eye can see...
Then you see the source of the great headwaters that feed the pond like a- a- like a- like the nourishing breast milk of a squaw feeding her papoose. You marvel at the technology employed by these ancient peoples to create such a wondrous and spiritual place.
Closer inspection reveals that the ancients were even more advanced than you had first supposed. The hose and wooden structures are simply brilliant.
And the trash can- you...OK, you get the point and the bit is getting tedious to write, so...can you believe this crap? Can you believe that the taxpayers of Louisiana actually funded such a crock? What is that trash can? Was that supposed to make it look more natural with all the "art work". They just taped in on there? Are you serious? Did they think that would work?
And what is this? A training ground for serial killers? Seriously, this enclosed junk pile is just off the path a few feet. Are they trying to keep people from getting in? Or is this some type of twisted torture pen for the aforementioned video-game-playing students? "You will look at Nature!! Sit in there and observe, Goddamnit! Observe!"
Oh yeah. This is a great area for a picnic table. Just what I wanna do. Have a picnic in some designated nature area like 30 feet from a road and a low-rent apartment complex. If I was a student and they made me come out here to do some type of learning activity or get inspiration or something, I'd be sure to light up a joint or drop some acid- maybe take some heroin, something to pass the time and keep me from becoming suicidal in such a wretched place.
I'm not kidding. The picnic table is only like 30 feet from the road. The person that designed this place should be publicly flogged. Taxpayer money?
Know what this little sign says? Not a damn thing. If I were to write something on it it might say: "Hey jerkweed, this is all crap you can see in your back yard." Or maybe address it to the students more directly: "This is called a TREE. Most people learn what a tree is by the age of 2, but since you go to this university you are obviously so stupid that..."
Seriously. Think about it for a second. Who came up with such a misguided attempt at engineering? Did they really think those drainage pipes would work? Didn't you come up with some idea about once a year in the summer about how you were going to build a swimming pool in the back yard? Well, if you grew up in tha Dirty, you probably did. And how did your little endeavor turn out? If you had the steadfastness and stupidity to stick with it enough to fill the little pit you dug with water, you saw that it wasn't the clear stuff like the lil kid from the neighborhood across town that actually had a real pool- no it was a viscous, muddy, slop hole. Didn't whoever thought of this treachery see this coming- that they were going to make a larger version of the ubiquitous back-yard cesspool? How does an adult come up with an idea like that? Were actual engineers consulted in the design of this place? "The pond will be like the focal point, with trees all-around and observation decks- AND a nature trail! I know: we'll use those sewer pipes to drain the run-off into the pond so it'll have a constant source of water. We can stock the place with all kinds of fish...maybe even some exotic ones...Louisiana has a temperate climate..." Congratulations, SLU. With such a fine educational environment and such judicious use of taxpayer money, Louisiana will be able to catapult past Mississippi, New Mexico, and Arkansas, for the honor of having the crappiest education in America - or at least the suckiest.