The Declining State of Superheroes

In one form or another I'm constantly hearing the question: "What's wrong with kids today?" More often than not some so-called expert blames their plight on a lack of good "role models". They then site the fact that Britney Spears shows her navel, Barry Bonds is a jerk, Latrell Sprewell chokes his coach, or Eminem rants about drugs and killing people. Well, I'm here to weigh in on the situation. As a young father (and thereby more of an expert than most "experts") I say that the problem with kids today is that they have no good superheroes to look up to.

I've never been much into comics, but I've noticed that the "superheroes" of today have become weak, jaded, ambivalent, and in many cases nothing more than highly evolved and maladjusted humans. Their powers all seem to be based on fortuitous "genetic mutations" of some sort or even high tech gadgetry (gotta keep it real for the scrutinizing and technologically savvy kids of today, I guess). Just watch any of the Batman flicks or The X-Men movie to see what I'm talking about, not to mention the Transformer or Power Ranger cartoons.
 
 

Back in the day we had good old Superman. He could do it all- stop bullets with his chest, pick up a building with one hand, burn through steel walls with his heat vision,  fly into outer space with no breathing apparatus (bet you never thought of that), even reverse time. Only kryptonite could stop him. I think I can pin-point the exact time when things started going down hill. It was back in 1978. I was browsing through the magazine section in the grocery store while my mom shopped for Snack Packs and Sloppy Joe mix when I saw it- a comic book with Superman vs. Mohammed Ali on the cover...
 
 

Besides, Superman was stupid anyway. Every Saturday morning he acquired a new power as the situation demanded. Super hearing and super cold breath? Gimme a break. As I matured the Incredible Hulk was more my speed. He was raw power. Something I could understand. I also liked the fact that he was just a regular guy until he got really pissed. Then he morphed into this thunderous green giant, full of raw power and malice towards evil. For a kid that had an aversion to reading, the fact that this comic book creation was a late 70s prime time television sensation didn't hurt either. None of this corny from-Krypton cartoon stuff. This was realistic. A huge dose of gamma radiation (now I get it) turned this scientist into a benevolent bipolar brute. (Notice he never attacked kids or the innocent- they always threw a random kid or screaming woman into the scene to prove this point.) Why did Bruce Banner (aka David Banner) want to cure himself from turning into the Hulk anyway? Every week that was what saved his ass. And why was this one reporter always following him around the country just about to crack the case of the mysterious green bigfoot? (Didn't hulk actually fight Bigfoot in one comic? Or was it just the Thing?) Each week Banner would leave town and some new-found love and/or stability behind all because he turned into a green Lou Ferrigno. I mean, couldn't he just tell the single Mom that he met in episode 41 that she would have to buy him clothes much more regularly than most men and not to argue with him? Oh yeah- and to leave the room ASAP when his eyes first turned green and the gripping music started to play. Every week he left with that sad tune in the background and somehow wandered back to his "grave". Was that supposed to be tragic? OK, so the Hulk sucked too, but I bet he would have ripped Ali's arms off and beaten him with them had the two ever fought.
 

An even more incredible TV creation was Steve Austin- the Six Million Dollar Man. Here was just another regular guy (take that back, he was a "Major", right?) that for whatever reason the government decided to rebuild...better, stronger, faster...for 6 million bucks? Now THAT's realistic. A government that spends $9 for a thumb tack and $254 for a toilet seat...what kind of screwed up piece of crap are you gonna have for 6 million dollars? He'd be lucky to have a steel hook and peg leg, much less a bionic arm and the ability to run as fast as an AMC Gremlin. And he wouldn't have no super-sonic vision either- just a Disney viewfinder and a jar of Vaseline ( I don't even know what that means).
 

See, if the kids today had Superheroes like we had- ones that beat the odds and stood for peace, justice, the American way and even defied the very laws of physics, they probably wouldn't all be the screwed-up, hopeless, video-game-addicted, backwards cap wearin, jeans hangin down to their butts, heroin- taking, pierced and tatooed little monsters that they are.*