Sport or Spectacle?

        How much would you pay to see Gary Coleman fight Emmanuel Lewis in a steel cage match? Seriously. Fifty bucks? One hundred? $19.95? I bet the matchup would generate a staggering number of viewers- more than Tyson and Lewis could ever imagine. I'll bet that the event could easily crush Monday Night Football if the two went head-to-head in prime time. Better yet, could you imagine a better Super Bowl halftime show than an Arnold vs. Webster brawl for it all? I can guarantee it would be a heck of a lot better entertainment than some washed up band that should have quit in 1986. (Besides, the winner could be used as the football in the second half of the game.) Really, what's a more compelling matchup- the Baltimore Ravens vs. St. Louis Rams or Coleman vs. Lewis? Now THAT would be a fight- Gary Coleman vs. Lennox Lewis. The outcome would undoubtedly be a first punch knockout by the 6'5" 250 pound Lewis. But if there was such a boxing match would you tune in to watch? I'll bet you would. Why? For the suspense? The competition? The compelling human drama? After all, that's why we watch sports, isn't it? Sure. That's part of it.

        But the real reason we watch sports is for the freak show. Don't believe me? Turn on Sportscenter tonight and watch the previews. Will you find anything of substance? Chances are you won't. In baseball season ESPN hooks us with the brawl. Roger Clemens has beaned someone in the face again, causing a bench-clearing slugfest. We stay glued to the TV for the whole hour, waiting to see 14 seconds worth of footage and not a single punch is thrown. No bloodshed. We'll NEVER sit through another hour of hockey highlights for this kind of tease. Not until the next night, when the previews show Mike Tyson hurling expletives at some hapless reporter, grabbing his crotch and flashing his gold teeth. This time we swear, NEVER AGAIN will I sit through "Masters" highlights for this- Bob Costas sitting his pansy ass in front of a crackling fire, commenting on Tiger's ability to sink a birdie. Who gives a crap? Until the next night- when Anna Kournikova is the hook. Ever ask yourself why a female tennis player that has never won a major tourney is so often the star of Sportscenter? You know why. Then in football season you've got Ditka and Mora. Each year we hope somebody hires these titans of mediocrity just so we can hear them explode every week after their pitiful team has lost to the Atlanta Falcons again. Know why you love it? Cause you're a man - and at heart you're still a barbarian.

        The very existence of boxing bears testament to this. What kind of sport is it when two men enter a ring to beat each other senseless for the entertainment of others? Don't we look back in disgust at the "Romans" for the horrors of the coliseum? But still we love it. Again, the boxers don't even have to be the best in the world- just the biggest freaks. Why else would anyone pay to see a remarkably slovenly George Forman fight well into his forties? Why else would anyone want to see a washed up Mike Tyson fight a legitimate heavyweight like Lennox Lewis? Did we really think we'd see quality competition? No way. And that's not what we wanted anyway. We wanted to see Mike Tyson either freak out or be beaten to a bloody pulp. On the latter we were not disappointed. After the fight, the man was a blathering idiot. Did you stay up to watch the post-fight interview on ESPN? I know I did.
 

        Some pretentious tree- hugging Franco-file Californian is out there is saying "That's just in America." The rest of the world is much more civilized. Yeah, that's why their soccer players (and it IS soccer in the US, you tool) have to fear for their lives after every loss. (Besides, who the heck are you to say anything about sports? You think rock climbing and hiking are sports, you idiot. And nobody likes you.) Men of every society are at heart little more than ravenous animals awaiting their next meal. Forget the cerebral. Go straight for the primal and you've got us. A few months ago I questioned one of my friends from Spain about the annual "running of the bulls". At first he acted very ashamed and even pretended that he wasn't sure what I was talking about. "Uhh, not too many people actually do that," he said sheepishly. But when he saw that I was truly curious, even fascinated with the event, he really opened up. Turns out he had even run in the thing as a young man. We spent a good thirty minutes in the break room recounting the story and that day forged a bond where before none had existed. We had connected on a truly primal level.
 

        This is one of those things that I started writing a week ago and I didn't finish it off before it rotted on the vine. It seems like I had something else to say- something more profound- but I probably didn't. Just remember- sport is not just about the competition and NOBODY does it "just to stay in shape". From the Gladiators to Jack Johnson to Babe Ruth and Ty Cobb to Deion Sanders and Mark McGwire, sport is about the freak show. And the thing you have to remember about a freak show is it's just like at the fair when you were a kid - most of the time you get gypped. The guy they called "Bigfoot" with a picture of the abominable snowman on the side of the tent was just a club footed swami from Bangladesh. And you didn't really expect to see a woman with the body of a snake, did you? So don't expect too much from Celebrity Boxing or the Cubs and Astros and certainly not the Ravens and the Patriots. Lower your expectations and you'll be just fine. Matter of fact, just watch the Sportscenter Highlights tonight and you'll see the only good stuff there is to see.

        There is one fight coming up that will be worth seeing, though: Me vs. Marilyn Manson on pay-per-view. I will not disappoint the American people. I will beat that cross-dressing pretend Satan worshipping pansy the way his parents should have when he was younger. I will beat him almost as bad as the eighth grade bully did on the way to band practice. Trust me. He's meat. I'll meat hook him like Steve Lanier's buddy did to those unsuspecting citizens of Jackson, MS back in the day. I'll beat him with a water hose like I do the drifters that get in my vegetable garden. Gary Coleman vs. Mohammed Ali would be another good one. Ali in slow motion- Coleman wailing on him full throttle- trying to make up for the episode when Dudley and he were forced to watch those nudie cartoons and take a bat together by the pedophile. I know I'd tune in. Cause just like you, I love a freak show. 

comments: wurmo@oddtidings.com